Features — 28 April 2018
Coffee high

I absolutely don’t drink white rum. You want to know if a man is a low-down, good-for-nothing borracho? Just notice the color of his rum. If he’s drinking white, you don’t want too much of his company. Don’t let anybody tell you not to discriminate. You better know who to flock with, and who not to flock with. You don’t want to be around the white rum kind.

Allow me, I need to invest a little more ink on those rum riff-raff, because it is so sometimes that a little graphics is required to drive a point home. If you see somebody sleeping in the drain, you don’t have to sweat your brains on it. It could be that white thing made from that plant which grows native in Bolivia. I hear that can really have a negative effect on a person. If it’s not that, it’s white rum. You know about those guys who want to fight after a few drinks. White rum. You know the kind who reeks of fermented cane after a night out drinking. White rum. I wrote all that to make clear that, all a wi da noh one.

There’s a lot of people about who have a lot of negative things to say about people who take a little drink, or smoke a little weed. There’s this lady, quite celebrated, who punctuates many of her discourses with a stab at people who drink rum. People go into a bar, just to quench their thirst, and have a friendly chat with their buddies, and they get a lecture about squandering the dinner money, and the baby milk money.

That business about the baby milk money, that wasn’t a concern in the old days, because back then it was free. Mama’s breasts were plenty sufficient for all the baby’s needs. Then the modern world introduced the baby formula, and people had to start budgeting for baby milk money.

There’s been a push back for the good old days, but nothing can ever be as good as it was before. Ai, it seems everything good comes with an excess factor. They stomp back the formula, but now they want to “pull out” anywhere. You really have to watch the marketing. People will make you believe things you’d see through if you just raised your head and glanced. The male faction is absolutely in the clear when it is intolerant of temptation. We know what we are about.

Who the heck will care what Master of Games, Godwin Hulse, and John Briceño, have to say at a regular press conference, if there is a “pull out” in the audience when they are at the podium? Suppose Sedi is at an ICJ consultation, and there is a demonstration “pull out”, for whatever reason. He will have clear sailing to complete the mission started by that other famous agent from Pickstock, back in 1950.

These people who beef about weed and rum, when they’re on tv you can actually see them sneering. If they’re on radio, you hear it in their voice. What manner of man has the gall, the effrontery, to look down on another man? Only one who doesn’t drink rum, or smoke weed, could be so faysi.

I didn’t have any rum, colored rum, the other day, and some people need to sip on something when they’re with their lonesome, so I settled for water flavored with coffee. I got the surprise of my life. After just two glasses of that stuff, I felt something. You know those old bulldozers with the start-up gas engine. I knew I wasn’t anywhere near the big diesel, but I could feel a little start-up. Fu real, it had a small kick. So I had another glass, during which glass a bulb popped, and I really got to thinking.

Something is here, I said to myself, something worth investigating. And if the result of the research is what I suspect, based on the lee feeling I get, certain people who might be friends, or might be enemies, won’t like for me to tell.

Truth crushed to earth will come to light. The world is a glass house. You think you got away but you will be found out. Charles Dickens’ Pip (Great Expectations) knew about the pain of hiding truth. If I slept at all that night, it was only to imagine myself drifting down the river on a strong spring-tide, to the Hulks; a ghostly pirate calling out to me through a speaking-trumpet, as I passed the gibbet-station, that I had better come ashore and be hanged there at once, and not put it off. I was afraid to sleep, even if I had been inclined, for I knew that at the first faint dawn of morning I must rob the pantry.

It is just impossible. I never knew these unholy bohgaz who can’t let the rest of us alone to our vices, that all the while they are pontificating there, they are all juiced up, high as a kite, on COFFEE. That’s right. I didn’t know that, but I know it now. We have only ourselves to blame for ignorance. Most everything is at the touch of a button these days, right there at the internet cafe.

You can doubt me if you want. There are people who only believe what comes down from a First World citizen. Well I’m no First-Worlder, but on this we are both on page. Wait, wait, before we get into the critical revelation, I have to mention that most of the stories on the internet about coffee and the deadly caffeine, had to do with its use to help cure a hangover.

Now there are people in this world who have no self-respect. I don’t know about females, but a man must pay for his sins. You go out, you have a grand huyayai with the “bastard joy”, and then you’re crying all over the place about hangover next morning. I’ve heard all kinds of shamelessness, about aspirin, and cold showers. I’ve also heard about curing a hangover with another high. I thought there was some respect in that, until I found out that the kind of people who do it are those disreputable give-good-people-a-bad-name white rum drinkers!

The best cure for a hangover, the only common sense cure, is not to get too drunk. That means that if you have dread for the hangover, you eat when you’re drinking. Boil a few pieces of plantain, or a couple pieces of coco yam, and put them in your pocket. If you are the money type, can afford it, go buy some fry chicken. If you care for taste for your food when you’re drinking, go Chinese. If the Chinese didn’t invent fry chikin, they perfected it.

Ah, fry chikin, but I’m not that easily distracted. The rum good people drink is colored, and coffee is colored, and Coffee Can Actually Make You DRUNK! says this story by a blogger named Rebecca Jane Stokes.

Rebecca: A very funny thing happens to me when I drink coffee. If I don’t drink one cup when I wake up, I’m a zombie like most of people I know. But if I have more than two (and sometimes just one and half) I feel wired, giddy, silly, and hyperactive…It’s a lot like being drunk, right down to the crash once it wears off and the feelings of shame and embarrassment at my coffee-fuelled antics…

 …Most medical professionals will tell you to limit your caffeine intake to 400mg a day. That translates into four cups of coffee in a twenty four hour period…Caffeine intoxication (a very real psychiatric disorder) doesn’t usually take effect until a person has ingested 1000mg of caffeine, and usually in one sitting. So what’s going on with me and my coffee sensitive friends every time we have a cup of coffee and feel like we’ve been out partying at the bar all night long? It turns out, it might be that I was just born this way — and that could be the case for you, too!

A new study examined the DNA of 3,000 devoted coffee-drinkers. They discovered that (in addition to being real jerks in the morning) some people in the study had a variation of a gene called PDSS2. Now that might sound like a fancy kind of video gaming console, but it’s not. PDSS2 reduces the body’s ability to break down caffeine. That means the caffeine that’s already in your system is going to still be there when you have your second cup of coffee, and your third, and your fourth.

If you don’t believe the blogger, try the mighty CNN and this story posted by Madison Park.

Having too much caffeine can produce an effect known as caffeine intoxication, said Daniel P. Evatt, a research fellow in the Department of Psychiatry at the John Hopkins University School of Medicine…The tolerance to caffeine varies for individuals. While one person might suffer adverse reactions from too much caffeine from having just one energy drink, another person may feel nothing from the same amount…In rare circumstances, rambling thoughts or speech and hallucinations could occur to people who are already predisposed to it, Evatt said.

If I was a bad person, I would have underlined, put a little emphasis on that last line, the part where it got into the dangerous, devil rambling, and such. Hurray for people who are not, bad.

So then, it’s just the luck of the draw. In the old world it was impossible for a respectable man to have soft hands. Now there are any number of soft pop jobs, and the men who work at them walk around like real heroes. Impossibly, they actually run the world. But they are not all intolerable. Who’s intolerable are those who can’t leave other people to their harmless vices. That’s why I have no qualms in exposing them.

Exposure is right and proper, for a good cause. It is no sin to spot the bright light on all the unjust causes the misguided folk go after. O bigoted, biased, bad-minded human beings. They can look down on others, and deny others, because their poison is LEGAL. In a country that was fair, and COMPLETELY dry, there would be laws against drinking coffee, so they’d be in JAIL.

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Deshawn Swasey

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