Sunday, January 28, 2024
Maybe it’s just me, but as I grow older I find myself being repetitious, watching the same movies or series, over and over again. Same thing with books; I’ll read the same ones maybe 2, 3 times a year. It’s almost as though I don’t want to move on, to go through that inevitable cycle, the process of aging. I find myself reliving moments in my past that were special to me, going through photographs of special times, longing for the days that are no more. I spend time on the phone with my lifelong friends, reminiscing, wistfully trying to relive the past, sometimes embellishing memories that have become hazy with time. Finding comfort in sharing those special moments that have disappeared into the background of my long life!
I am finally realizing how fleeting life is, and how careless I’ve been, not fully embracing what was right in front of me, instead of feeling that the grass was greener on the other side. Well, I have to admit that it’s not; it never was. I believe that it is human nature, or maybe it’s just me, to be restless and always wanting more, when you’re holding the prize in your hand. You are master of your universe, but instead of taking the time to make the most of it, your wandering soul wants more. The insatiable desire for more blots out what is in plain sight, the most important thing or person that you will ever know. Again, maybe it’s just me, but that need to wonder and wander has kept me rudderless and drifting.
I’ve always wondered if that’s a sign of immaturity or just plain human nature. I truly believe that it is the former. I have friends who are settled and obviously content to be committed to their partners, their families, their communities and their circumstances; in other words, anchored! I admire them and their certainty. For me, it’s like faith; I wasn’t born with those genes. My daughter thinks that it stems from my childhood, or even when I was inside the womb; she knows stuff that I can’t even wrap my mind around. By that I mean she is a psychologist in the making.
I know that we can’t relive our past, that we should live in the present, and treasure every moment. I know that age and time and life are not guaranteed to any of us, that things change because nature insists that they do, that no matter how hard we try to hold on, we can’t. The weight of living wears us down, humbles us; and no matter how hard we try, that weight always wins in the end.
I have started to train myself, and especially my mind, to be thankful for the life I’ve lived. To be grateful for all the happiness I’ve harvested from my family, my friends, from all the dreary intercourse of daily life, as Wordsworth put it.
I’m grateful for all my adventures, my encounters, my experiences, my passions, my loves, for everything. My family, my beautiful children and grandchildren, the love of my life, my amazing friends, for nature and her countless gifts, for my health, and for living a life full of mistakes and failures and triumphs and happiness!
I believe that we have to be unapologetic about our choices, cognizant of our frailties, but absolutely unapologetic about the road we have taken. It is what it is, and in the autumn of one’s life, just be yourself!